A Vipassana Experience
Finding magic in stillness.
I just returned from my 9th Vipassana Retreat. Still raw from reaching into my own deepest depth, still touched from the feeling of awe about how blessed I am, and still in pain from the insight on how far I am from truly loving myself.
For those who wonder what Vipassana is, from outside it’s a 10-day silent meditation retreat. You don’t speak, you don’t read, write, or entertain yourself in any way. You wake up at 4am to meditate and do nothing but meditation basically for the entire 10 days. Vipassana is the meditation technique with which Buddha got enlightened. It means “insight” or “clear seeing” and its purpose is to see reality as it actually is—without distortion, avoidance, or attachment. From an inside perspective, Vipassana trains you to observe your inner experience with bare awareness. It feels like a microscope on your inner world, your operating system, your thoughts, feelings, and way of being. And since there is nowhere to go and nothing to do, you are forced to take a deep fucking honest look at yourself. Ouch.
On day 5 I still couldn’t concentrate for more than a couple of minutes at a time. My mind was all over the place. For some reason, my mind decided that it’s a good idea to remember every guy I ever slept with. One moment I was with my ex boyfriend in Copenhagen, the other I was with the Spanish guy whose name I don’t remember at a party in Taipei. And inbetween I remembered how my mother used to make the most delicious apple crumble dessert for us. I was all.over.the.place. And it drove me crazy. I was so angry with myself. How can it be that I am such an experienced meditator and that I still can’t be the master over my mind? Two loooong days in this misery with a wild mind continued. I resisted the reality of my incapability to concentrate. I was embarrassed, imagine someone could look into my mind and see the mess I am experiencing? After all, this is my 9th!!! Vipassana, I should be flowing on a peaceful internal ocean by now. Instead, I was burning in hell.
A self- created hell. By itself my mind was simply unconcentrated and gross. My own judgement of how horrible this was, made it actually unbearable. The resistance to what I was experiencing, my absolute unwillingness to accept my reality as it is. I cried in despair. I doubted my ability to meditate. I doubted my ability to do anything. I was a failure. I was incapable. I was a lost case. Forever. There it was, the familiar feeling of having failed in life. After all, I just turned 40. No children. No husband. Just started 2 businesses, neither of which are striving yet. I am nowhere where I thought I would be with 40.
I sat outside underneath a tree, watching his leaves falling while my tears merged with the rain on my face. The feeling of my tears being the same as the rain made me instantly remember: I too am part of nature. Those leaves are not resisting falling off. On the contrary, watching them fall effortlessly, swaying with the wind, gave me a sense of calm, yes even serenity. “Be like the leaves, Tatjana” I heard my inner voice say. “Accept your fate. Flow with life and the path you were given.” The gong rang, it was time to go back to the meditation hall. As I sat through Adhiṭṭhāna (one hour meditation with strong determination of no moving) I accepted my agitated mind, I agreed to my fate of being a bad meditator… and there it was, a little smile…”who cares about my ability to meditate anyway?” And as I sat there in complete internal and external stillness, my mind calmed down, it became subtler and subtler, sharper and sharper. I started to feel every little sensation on my body. Suddenly the one hour was over, I sat through the entire hour without even one second of being distracted. OMG, my mind has finally calmed down. I finally made it into a meditative state!
Tears rolled down my cheeks again, this time out of happiness and awe. Awe of how She (God) continues to show me lovingly the way. The massage was clear: the moment I stop resisting my reality and start accepting things as they are, I allow for change to happen. She wants me to stop wanting to constantly change my life, to frantically improve because I don’t like things as they are.
Accept. Relax. Trust. Trust that everything is exactly as it should be. She doesn’t make mistakes. And so also whatever you are facing right now is no mistake. Give Her the chance to come into your life and guide you. Stop doing for a moment, and just be still instead. Listen to the stillness. Watch what happens. Be aware of whom you meet. Of what you hear. Of what you read somewhere seemingly randomly. This is how She speaks to you. She is always there, we just need to become aware enough to see it.
Acceptance is not resignation; it is the moment we stop fighting reality and start meeting life as it actually is. When we accept things as they are, the fog clears, our choices become cleaner, wiser, and rooted in truth rather than fear. In that openness, we create space for something greater than our own effort to move through us. We allow Her to enter not as a force that fixes or rescues, but as a presence that supports, guides, and strengthens us from within. From acceptance, right action naturally follows, and life begins to respond with grace.
These days I am in full acceptance of everything in my life. And it feels….liberating. I accept for the first time all of me, with no urgency to improve myself. I accept every aspect of my life, with no attachment to a particular outcome. I trust that everything is exactly right as it is. Knowing that when the time is right, She will guide the way. Always. And I appreciate my life in a way I have never done before.
I hope that this Vipassana anecdote sparks your own acceptance of whatever you experience right now in your life as unacceptable. You have nothing to lose by trying it at least. Let me know how it goes.
With love, Tat